In The Light
by FlamingAshes
Summary: Based on the song "In The Light" by The Lumineers. Magnus takes a trip and reflects on his relationship with Alec. One shot.


**Hi guys! I'm sorry it's been so long since I've written, but here's a little Malec story for you. I used the Song Shuffle Challenge to write it. Basically, I shuffle the songs on my phone and I use the song selected as a writing prompt. The song chosen was "In The Light" by The Lumineers. It's a great song- I recommend listening to it while you read. Anyway, enjoy!**

 **Summary: Based on the song "In The Light" by The Lumineers. Magnus takes a trip and reflects on his relationship with Alec. One shot.**

 **IMPORTANT: THIS STORY TAKES PLACE VERY SOON AFTER CITY OF HEAVENLY FIRE!**

 **Disclaimer: The Mortal Instruments and the Shadowhunter universe belongs to Cassandra Clare. The song "In The Light" is not mine, it is property of The Lumineers.**

Magnus strolled through the busy streets of New York, brushing shoulders with stiff businessmen and women. He, unlike the other inhabitants of Brooklyn's sidewalks, was not in a big rush. That morning, he had woken in a dimly lit bedroom, in his bed that was too big for one person. He'd gotten ready this morning in a very unenthusiastic way, as if he was going through the motions. Life for him was currently very empty and devoid of fun. He knew why, but he couldn't bring himself to address why. That's what this trip was about- facing his problems head-on. Magnus was positive that he could only move on if he completed this trip, though it would be one of sorrow. On his way, he stopped in one of Clary's favorite coffee shops, one he had been meaning to try but had never gotten around to. After making his purchase, he stepped back out into the crisp autumn air, macchiato in hand. Taking a sip, he was pleasantly surprised that he enjoyed it so much, especially since he had not added cream or sugar as he usually did. In fact, it was excruciatingly bitter, but he enjoyed it immensely. His mind wandered to words his fellow warlock and friend Ragnor Fell had once spoken-that only those who experienced the true bitterness of life could appreciate bitter taste in food. He quickly threw his drink away in the nearest garbage can.

 _I don't know why I just can't let it go_  
 _I don't know why I just can't let it go_

Magnus's feline-like eyes scanned the street signs. He was headed to Kingston, hoping to have a pleasant subway ride, a rare experience for any New Yorker. Magnus didn't often take public transportation; he found it so disgustingly mundane and filthy. This trip, however, was one where he would need to think and ponder. He found long rides with quiet the best places to think. In the end, he got his wish and was peacefully undisturbed on his ride. Staring at the bleak tunnels outside his compartment, he wondered what was so terrifying about the dark. He found that knowing exactly what was going to happen to you was more frightening than not knowing at all. The element of surprise is a bitch, but certainty is worse because there is nothing you can do to stop it. And that was one of Magnus's least favorite feelings- knowing something is going to happen, but knowing he could not stop it. It made him feel useless, weak, wasteful. Worst of all was the guilt that accompanied it, and the guilt always came to him eventually. It was so hard for him to let his guilt go away because guilt clung to him like a wet t-shirt.

 _Memory's old but I just can't let it go_  
 _The idea's gone but I just can't let it go_

Magnus reached into his worn gray coat and pulled out a small velvet box. It was as blue as the eyes of the man who it was for, his boyfriend Alec. Magnus always knew he would be the one popping the question- Magnus always had to be the instigator in their relationship, but he was fine with control. Sighing, he popped the box open. A small ring lay peacefully inside, waiting to be placed on a finger, waiting to secure a relationship. Magnus knew he had picked well, for Alec had never been flashy or materialistic. It was a simple band, jet black and shining like a new penny. No jewels, no diamond, no inside jokes carved into it. It was pure and simple, as Alec would have wanted it. Magnus had been proud of his fine selection in jewelry but maintained a normal attitude, so Alec would never suspect a proposal was coming. And Magnus had done such a fantastic job that now Alec would never know.

 _Time, give me my yesterdays_  
 _Save it for all you had in your eyes, I have gone away_

Magnus transferred to the F at Jay Street and settled into a worn train seat, ripping open a bag of chips he'd bought. Popping them into his mouth, he mulled over his outfit. It was simple for once, a pair of stark-white jeans and a white shirt. Quite appropriate for the depressing adventure. As he sat in the subway car, he did not feel the sadness he was supposed to feel, or think the thoughts he should've been thinking. After all, Magnus had already had his time to grieve. He'd been doing that for the last three months and did not know what stage he was in now. Mundanes always tried to figure out what stage of mourning they were in, which Magnus founded utterly stupid. Pain is not something you measure with a scale; hurt is not held to a timeline. Grief is an unpredictable, uncontrollable tidal wave of emotion that drowns you until you begin to believe there never was such thing as oxygen.

 _Fate_  
 _Dealt you a tricky hand_  
 _Now you're just left alone in your mind_  
 _And I have gone away_

Magnus was jerked out of his thoughts by the lurching of the train as it pulled up to his stop. He exited the train and finished off his chips, throwing the bag away as he headed up 2nd Avenue. His shoes crunched the leaves that had given up on their trees, that had let go of their branches too early, for they were such vibrant reds and yellows that they surely should have stayed in the air for all to enjoy. Magnus knew well that young things were the first to go, but he would never understand it. After being alive for so long, Magnus felt he should know the reason why. Maybe there wasn't an answer. Maybe the universe was cruel, or maybe God was, or maybe there was no one to blame but mankind themselves. As Magnus made a right onto East 2nd Street, he decided to stop asking these questions without answers. It wasn't doing him any good.

 _I don't know why I just can't let it go_  
 _Memory's old but I just can't let it go_

Magnus finally reached his destination: New York City Marble Cemetery. As he strolled through the park, examining tombstones and wilting flowers left for loved ones, he thought how Alec would despise being left flowers. "Why pick them in the first place?" he had once asked Magnus. "Why not leave them for everyone to enjoy?" Per Alec's questions, he had not brought any flowers; all he had brought with him was the truth, and it needed to be spoken. Magnus now stood in front of a gravestone. It read:

 **Alec Lightwood**  
 **1989-2014**  
 **Beloved Brother and Son**

Before Alec's death, Alec had told Magnus he didn't want a tombstone. It wasn't customary for Shadowhunters and it wasn't the way he had wanted to be remembered. However, Magnus had selfishly made one anyway. Alec's ashes were already in the ossuarium of the Silent City, as was customary, but Magnus had needed a place of his own. A place where he could be sad and mourn Alec like a mundane would. So Magnus had made a simple tombstone with a plain engraving. Magnus knew it was risky to show off the name of a Shadowhunter to the entire world, but no one would care anyway. To people who didn't know Alec he was just another dead guy, and to people who did know him the grave was nonexistent. Magnus had kept it as his little secret, one he would keep forever. As Magnus looked over the heading, he kneeled on the grass where Alec's body was not, but the cemetery staff had thought there was. Magnus's nails brushed against the cold stone, tracing the words. When he had began the relationship, Magnus had known that there would come a day where Alec would pass and Magnus would just keep moving. However, it had seemed eons away and Magnus had envisioned them doing so much before that day came. Time had fooled Magnus. Alec was dead.

 _In the light, right here in the light_  
 _Right here in the - hold me and don't you ever let this die_

Magnus didn't want to replay Alec's death in his mind. He didn't want to remember the ringing of his phone at exactly 1:39 AM telling him there had been an accident, or the sweat that poured off his body as he ran to the Institute, or Isabelle's crying figure on Alec's bed, or the words of sympathy Jace and Clary had offered as he'd stared at Alec's body. Alec's eyes would never beam their beautiful blue color again, and his heart, the one Magnus had stolen, would never beat again. Magnus noticed a shadow cast over him and stared at the sun as it was covered by a cloud. Looking back at the grave, he thought of what to say. His mind blanked. There were millions of words that needed to be spoken, but he had forgotten how to talk. Stuffing his hands into his coat pockets, he realized that Alec wouldn't have wanted a big speech with promises that sounded like they came straight from a Nicholas Sparks book. Alec would've wanted the truth. So Magnus spoke it.  
"I'm sorry. Not just that you're," Magnus gestured toward the gravestone, "You know, but that we didn't have more time. All I ever wanted was time with you, and now I have too much time without you. It sucks. Not just for me, but for Isabelle and Jace too. Isabelle's an only child now- both her brothers are gone. And I once caught Jace staring at his Parabatai rune; it's gray now, and it hurts him." Magnus felt bad for shaming Alec like that- this was turning into a guilt fest. "But don't worry. Jace looks after Izzy like you used to, and she's got Simon to support her." Magnus felt a bit stupid talking to stone, but he's seen crazier things than this. "So anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I love you." Magnus's words came out quickly as if he was running out of time to speak. Maybe he was. "That's it, I guess. And that I miss you. And that I was going to propose." At this, Magnus reached into his pocket and pulled out the ring box, opening it carefully and facing it towards the headstone. "Nice one, huh? I thought it was badass enough for a Shadowhunter, but still says 'I'm taken by a sexy warlock.'" Magnus wiped at his face and realized he was crying. He had to wrap this up. "I wish I could've said this to your face more, but I love you. A lot. And I always will. I'm sorry we didn't have more time."

 _Right here in the light, and in the_ day time  
 _Right here in the - hold me and don't you ever let this die_

As Magnus rose and walked out of the cemetery, he felt calm. The clouds had passed and light streamed through the trees, brightening the autumn colors. He ran his finger over the velvet box, stroking the fabric. There would never be a real end to their love story. Alec may be gone, but the love would never disappear. Magnus would always be hopelessly infatuated with Alec Lightwood, and as long as there was love, there was no final chapter in their story. As he left the cemetery, he had no more questions, and no longer desired answers. He had all he needed in his heart.

 _In the light, and in the daytime, right here in the_

 **Whew! That was a very emotional and loaded story for me to write. I really hope I did Malec justice. TBH, I had to look a lot of the info up because I've forgotten a lot of it, but hopefully, it was accurate. Let me know if I made any errors. Also, leave some reviews telling me if you liked it or not. I stepped out of my usual ballpark (Clace) and into a new one (Malec) but I think I'm satisfied with the result. Review! Until next time.**  
 **-FlamingAshes**


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